Pet Siouxicide

*Xavier:* Unload your troubles unto me, even if it’s tough to swallow. I’m used to swallowing huge loads. —————————— *Xavier:* I’m going to help you, even if it kills us both! —————————— *Brat:* I’m gonna name him after me. *(beckoning)* Come on, me! —————————— *Young Xavier:* But, Master, you can’t punch someone with your mind.*Chief Master Guru:* Hold this board.*(a phantom fist emerges from the guru’s head and punches young Xavier in the face)**Present Day Xavier with Bloody Nose:* Idiot. He totally missed the board. —————————— *Brat:* Silly, pain is a myth made up by poor people who don’t want to work! —————————— *Hallucination:* Every luxury has a deep price. Every indulgence, a cosmic cost. Each fiber of pleasure you experience causes equivalent pain somewhere else. This is the first law of emodynamics [*sic*]. Joy can be neither created nor destroyed. The balance of happiness is constant. Fact: Every time you eat a bite of cake, someone gets horsewhipped. Facter: Every time two people kiss, an orphanage collapses. Factest: Every time a baby is born, an innocent animal is severely mocked for its physical appearance. Don’t be a pleasure hog. Your every smile is a dagger. Happiness is murder. Vote “yes” on Proposition 1321. Think of some kids. *Some kids.* —————————— *Brat:* I want universal oneness. Can’t you buy it for me, Daddy?