What Life D-D-Doth?

*Xavier:* *(licks the spit off his cheek)* You’re going to regret that, you shattered my shakashuri.*Townie*: I hope ya’ll can play that 3 feet up your ass.*Xavier*: Don’t know, but I’d sure like to try. —————————— *First Townie*: Whatcha gonna do bird beast? Fly away? On your cuttlebone?*Second Townie*: Yeah, cuddle this b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bone. *(pulls a bone out of his pants and throws it at Xavier’s face.)* —————————— *Xavier:* I’m a survivor. We’re a dying breed. —————————— *Xavier:* Life. You could say it started when I was a kid. Like most folks, I’ve always been different. But not like the others. Other kids could be cruel, they’d call me names: dweeb, chimp, honky, dweeby-chimp, honky-dweeb, and worst of all: chomsky-honk. Did you know there’s over eighty-seven combinations of those soul-scalding words? I found out the hard way. Life! Adolescence was better: went to the prom with a model, but she left with some jock. Dyke! —————————— *Townie:* So you use your powers to save people?*Xavier:* *(scoffs)* Powers are for the weak. I have no powers. I mean, unless you count the power to blow minds with my weapons-grade philosophical insights. —————————— *Xavier:* If the computer virus is infecting people, then I need a human virus to infecticide the computer.*(Xavier breaks through the window of the bathroom, runs to the U.S. Army base, and breaks the window there.)* *Soldier:* Welcome to the US Army, how can I help you?*Xavier:* I need some of that disease you guys invented.*Soldier:* Crack?*Xavier:* The other one. *Solider:* AIDS?*Xavier:* That’s the spice.*Solider:* You’ll need to fill out an HC24-A requisition form.*Xavier:* I don’t have time for that. *Soldier:* *(sighs)* I shouldn’t do this, but here. Someone left this in the lost and found.*(The soldier hands Xavier a plastic milk jug labeled “AIDS”.)**Xavier:* Oh, Frittata! —————————— *Xavier:* Just got to dump this load in that dirty ‘puter’s floppy slot and collect my kudos.